"Never give in. Never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy." Sir Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill is often quoted to sustain efforts and help people avoid quitting. But, he said except in convictions of honour and good sense. He was not suggesting you battle on and on. He included the use of good sense. Battling back from an injury or surgery, is tough. It taxes you physically, mentally and emotionally. One of the most difficult things to do is to know when you should forge ahead or when you should fall back. How do you know when you are exercising good sense or just giving up?
I mentioned in a recent Sports Center View that I had solved a long standing spinal pain problem and that I would share with you what I did. I decided to do this because of the number of people who have asked me about it. While there are always many answers and many options, I think what I found may be very helpful to some of you.
For many years, I hurt. Mostly my lower back, sometimes in the middle of my back and sometimes in my neck. It started when I was about 30 years of age. I can recall the very first sign of it although at the time I denied it. I was standing on the sidelines of the HIlls Fitness Center basketball court waiting for the next game. I noticed my lower back felt very tight as if someone had a wringer on it and was twisting it. I bent over to stretch, I laid down on the floor and tried stretching there. Nothing I did changed the tightness. Soon, my turn to play came around and off I went tightness and all. By the time I arrived home, the tightness had changed to a dull ache. From this day forward, my spine was never the same.
Over the years, the spine pain would come and go. Somedays, I would wake up and be just as stiff as a 2 x 4. I could barely bend over. But, as I shuffled to the bathroom, it eased a bit and by the time I had taken a shower, had some breakfast and drove into the office, I felt reasonably good. Notice I said reasonably. I never felt good, much less great but as I said I was draped in denial.
Some days I would have severe back or neck pain or somedays it might be leg or arm pain and sometimes all of it at once. I would take some over the counter non-steroidal anti-inflammatory or sometimes a physician friend would prescribe a short course of steroids. The crisis would pass and life would go on.
But some other things were changing that at the time I did not see. I had little energy. I was grumpy. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything after work or on the weekends. When I did travel, it was to teach other practitioners and the seminars were exhausting. I was miserable but only those around me could see it. My wife Ellen did her best to try to tell me but I didn't listen. I made excuses. Things like, "Well, I work a lot. I have a lot to do. You don't understand. I just don't feel like it and I just want to stay home." Frankly, it is hard to say, but it is the truth.
About three or four years ago, I began having trouble sleeping. I was awakened in the night with a searing, down to the bone pain in my entire spine. I had to get up out of bed to get any relief. So, I did. I got up some nights at 2 or 3 in the morning. And, my day started. You may be wondering "How in the world did you function?" or "How could someone such as yourself, with what you know, allow this to go on?" Both would be very reasonable and good questions. The answer is denial.
Denial is a very powerful psychological tool we use to protect ourselves from the truth. When accepting reality means altering the perception we have of ourselves or how we see ourselves, we avoid it. The truth is sometimes so painful we would rather get up at 2 am, stumble through the day, feel awful, hurt, quit doing the things you love than look in the mirror and say, "Wow. I need some help." That was me. But, as I have said many times, you change only when the pain is bad enough. Kelsey's First Law of Human Dynamics. How bad does it need to be?
Denial sneaks into other aspects of our lives beyond the physical realm. Anyone who has either overcome a substance abuse problem or has helped someone who has knows the power of denial. But a less obvious form is found in our goals and ambitions. Here's how it works:
You go to college with the desire to be a doctor. Maybe this is your desire or more likely your parents desire for you. You study, apply yourself, graduate, fulfill a residency, open a practice, become successful, own a large home, go on great vacations and are extremely unhappy. You never really wanted to be a doctor from the beginning but were in denial. Your parents saw you as a great future physician and this gradually became your image as well. But, down deep you never really wanted to be a physician. You really wanted something else but could not accept the truth. Maybe because you did not want to disappoint your parents and maybe because you did not want to disappoint yourself. The pain of the truth was greater than the pain of denial. But, if you want to be happy and enjoy what you do, you must do what you love. So, you change. You do something else. You quit your medical career and pursue psychology. Because you love it. And, this is a true story. It's about Phil McGraw better known as Dr. Phil.
Real change occurs when you speak and accept the truth. At first, it is hard to do but then again everything is difficult at first. As you grow accustomed to saying what you mean and seeing yourself as you really are, some great things happen. You make friends. People want to be around you. You feel better because you make better choices. Your heart sings because you are truly happy.
If you want to overcome an injury or physical problem, you must take an honest look at your current condition, your current capabilities and accept the truth. If you can, that's the easy part. It's easier to peel away your shroud of denial, but what do you do when you see it in someone you love? How can you help?
Denial is a kind of psychological blindness. If you were trying to help someone who was blind learn to walk by themselves, what would you do? Well, nagging is out. You can nag all you want, but the blind will remain blind. And how about pointing out their blunders? "Hey, you missed that curb! And, you just bumped into the chair! Can't you learn anything!" Hmm. Doubt that will work.
Denial is sometimes functional. It helps the person manage day to day. Helping people overcome their denial has to be done gently with helpful feedback and a huge dose of patience. Remember, your are helping a blind person see. Easy does it (and, in some severe cases, you may need professional guidance). Be encouraging but not enabling. Say what you mean, describe what you see, offer to help, be available but do not pity. Pity only fuels denial. Pity is enabling.
Earlier, I posed the rhetorical question of how could a person like you, with what you know, allow this to go on? Easy. Denial is immune to knowledge. You can know everything under the sun about disc disease, joint disease, instability and pain and bask in the pseudo warmth of denial. It's anti-venom is understanding. Understanding means you comprehend. You get it. Knowledge is an accumulation of facts, figures and other specific information. It is a pre-requisite in many cases to understanding. But, to shed the blanket of denial, you must understand your actions, choices, and behaviors. Understanding is a function of the heart not the head. You have to feel the impact and when you do, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
I understand. I get it. It took a while but, with the help of many good friends and Ellen, I am on my way to much happier times. I understand that yielding is not quitting. Denial provides a false sense of security whose blanket is large but thin and whispy. Accepting the truth cloaks you in armor. It gives you hope.
Where's your armor?
Make today count.
Doug Kelsey
Author. Teacher. Therapist.
