Chapter 13: February 2008

I started journaling, writing, regularly, almost daily, late last year after I read, "Journal to the Self" by Kathleen Adams (a great book by the way). Before then, I kept a digital journal of sorts, notes about what went on during a day, when I started my first rehab process for my other spine problem in 2003. But, I found that I just didn't enjoy it. It was hard to lug around a laptop and the medium isn't any good for things like an artistic rendering of how I feel about something - not that I am at all talented in that area, although it's on my list of things to do while I'm alive  - or if I just want to draw, in color, one word across the page in all caps. I guess I just don't want to be constrained. A lot of life is like that - constraining. You have to do stuff, go places, be a certain way, look a certain way. I just wanted some space to NOT be a certain way, think a certain way, talk a certain way. Just be. So, enter journaling.

Just about everyone I talk to about this has the same initial reaction: "Aren't you worried that someone might read it?" And, I guess that is one of the things you have to get past. But, let's be honest. If someone is reading your journal, there's a good chance that your either dead or very incapacitated so you can't do anything about it anyway. Besides, the benefits of writing completely outweigh the worry of someone reading my thoughts and ideas after I'm gone. But, it took me a while to get to that point though. While I was enrolled in a writing class a couple of years ago (you didn't think I got this good all on my own now did you?), I asked Ellen to promise me that if something happens to me that she wouldn't let anyone read anything on my computer because it has all sorts of unfinished, raw, ideas, stories, articles, etc., and I couldn't bear the thought of people reading unfinished work. She said, "Trust me - that's about the last thing I'll be worrying about. I'll be looking for passwords to all of our on-line accounts!"

Just in case someone stumbles across it though, I wrote in the front of my journal, in huge letters, "STOP. THIS IS PRIVATE AND AT THIS POINT YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY TRESPASSING. CLOSE THE BOOK NOW."

I even named my journal, "Probitas" - Latin for honesty. If nothing else, a journal should be a place where you can be completely honest without worry of retribution, abandonment, ridicule, or conflict, among other things. The more you journal, the more your journal becomes your friend and sometimes, the only friend you have.

Here's what I wrote in the opening pages of Probitas from last year:

"I strive to be honest with my self and others; to be kind when I'm honest; to be true to who I am. I want to be clear, confident, calm, solid, and fun to be around but always aiming to be true and honest."

I've learned that what I wrote is a really tough thing to do. But, I also learned that just by trying, by re-focusing your self to those things, you change. It's a moment to moment thing though. I know that I can be self-centered, clothed in layers of denial, hiding from the truth, afraid to feel and say what I feel but that is just a moment. Later, I can change and I change by facing and acting on my intentions - the things I stated above. The more moments I string together like that, the closer I get to being me.

To explain the process of healing, what was in my head, how I felt about things, I have included selected entries from my journal starting right after I returned from the ski trip and first felt symptoms. If I have added my thoughts or reflections, you'll see those in italics. I decided to use a daily entry just like my journal. If you've been following this journey from the start, some of the entries will sound familiar but before long, you'll be in entirely new territory.

The next several posts will be like these - journal entries with some interpretation or comments - leading up to the present day.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Since last Wednesday, have had right hip and buttock pain. Mostly when I sit and getting up to a standing position. I'm fairly sure this is from the fall I took skiing. Seemed to be getting better but on Saturday, the pain really spiked. I can't stand up. I'm crooked. Can't walk for several steps. Sleeping seems ok though which is weird. Haven't exercised since last Tuesday so I may need to go into Sports Center or over to Ross' place to get the loads right. Can you tell that I'm already living in denial? I can't walk, am crooked, can't stand up, and what do I do? Try to solve it on my own and without any idea of what I'm trying to overcome. This is a great example of how powerful denial is: it blocks you from reality. This gives you time to come up with answers and solutions but often the denial goes on and on.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Started some meds for my back issue yesterday..a Medrol Does Pak that I hadn't used for something else..an illness I think. I think I'm better...but I can't sit and standing up is just really bad, nasty.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Right hip pain was worse yesterday. Cramping is bad, tight, sore, This sucks. Have to go to the clinic..get on the Newton...can't walk. Medrol hasn't helped much. Ok, so, this is a little over two weeks from the injury and oddly, on this same day, I met Christine up at Sports Center to talk about a possible project on helping clinicians deal with clients who are in denial and how to best manage the emotional elements of injury! And, I am smack in the heart of the very thing we're meeting about!

Later that same day: Cannot keep my mind present at all...totally consumed by pain...why is there...what is it..how long will it be there...as hard as I try, I cannot be present. My mind flits back and forth from the pain to something in the distant future...back and forth...

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Sleep was fair. Right hip pain woke me up...couldn't get comfortable...had to get out of bed but really hurt...couldn't stand..had to hold onto the bed and just sort of wiggle my leg around and put some weight on it...not good. Another odd combination of events: I was also reading MINDSET by Carol Dweck.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Didn't sleep well last night at all. Got to bed later than usual...hip pain woke me up at 4AM...haven't exercised in a couple of weeks and I can already feel the worry monster about gaining weight...Maybe the right hip is better..not so sure...feels really in the joint though...maybe I hurt the hip too? Am starting Mobic. Went to the Sports Center Hall of Fame party last night...what a great time. It was just so awesome to hear the stories of how people's lives changed from the things they learned at SC...I stood all night...completely did not trust sitting, well, actually getting up from sitting, but standing isn't so hot either at least for three hours or so. As you can probably tell, I'm still not really seeing what is going on with me. I think I'm better but am worse at the same time. I'm just trying stuff - meds, positions, whatever. I can tell you that at the end of February, I was miserable. Not sleeping, hurting a lot, worried, but was also keeping all of that stuffed inside of me which I think, in retrospect, amplified the problem and the pain. My mind and body were ramping up the volume but I refused to listen.