The View from Sports Center: Chapter 14: March 2008

The month of March trampled over me like a one of my dogs romping through a flower bed. As I looked over my journal entries and a few of the earlier chapters, I could see that I was one busted up guy struggling to keep it together; keep working, keep showing up in life. I chronicled some of the March events in Crying with Christine and The Plan.

By the middle of the month, my daily pain levels were averaging about a 6-7/10 and sleep was between four and five hours a night. By the end of the month, the pain levels had dropped, although not a lot, to 4-5/10 and sleeping had increased to around six hours a night.

Below are a few more entries from my journal and as before, my comments are in italics.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Right hip pain is still here...not sure how much better it is and it was a lot, lot worse yesterday...maybe I sat too much on Friday. Started wearing the V-Loc brace today. Maybe this helps...hard to tell right now...taking a few steps still hurts a lot. Really noticing the decrease in activity and how little I can do. When I read this, I thought, "Who is this guy? What is he doing?" Sadly, it was me.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

OK, so the hip pain is better. I cut back on sitting. Started Celebrex too. Have more buttock than hip pain though. I set up a work station in the movie room at the bar so I can sit on the edge of a bar stool and get some work done. This seems ok. Still painful when I get up but not nearly as bad as sitting in the zero-gravity chair or a regular desk chair....feeling crunched by this sense that I should be doing more...working on something to get past this issue but not sure what else there is to do really. I can remember being surprised and feeling let down by how badly my good old zero gravity chair had failed me. I slid out of it onto the floor many times before I finally tossed a pillow in it and said good bye.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Hip pain is definitely better...5/10. Had to sleep downstairs due to the flu, coughing, etc. Coughing hurts..a lot. So, having the flu right now seems like a double hit. I'm doing some drills in Sports Center but something's off...I don't feel much better.

I did two interviews re: the new project I'm working on. One yesterday and one today. Really tough to do because my hip hurts practically the whole time but I feel like I need to get these done..probably shouldn't be doing it...the car ride, the time sitting of the interview itself, the car ride home. Ok, so, this entry, when I read it, I laughed out loud. You know things are bad when you think a 5/10 pain is an improvement! And, the flu! I even had the flu shot!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Really bad night. Woke up around 2:30AM with severe right leg pain..all the way down the leg. Got up and tried to walk around but I couldn't...got back in bed but couldn't get comfortable..pain was high 8-9/10...I laid down on the floor, prone but couldn't stay there. My leg hurt too much. Got up and put on the V-Loc brace. Felt a little better. So, I tried lying down on the floor again, prone. This time, I could do it and the pain only went into the thigh. So, I went downstairs into the movie room, climbed into the recliner on my right side and fell asleep for an hour or so. But around 5:30AM, the hip hurt too much and I had to get up....might be a really long day...

I had another interview yesterday and am supposed to have one tomorrow but I am going to cancel. I can't keep doing this.

Do I need to see Gordon? This was the start of just a crack in the denial armor.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

A better night, thanks to Vicodin. So far, the day hasn't been too bad. I don't sit at all and avoid bending, stooping, etc. Still wearing the brace. Christine came by and had dinner with us. We talked some about my injury, how I was feeling. She thought that I should open up more emotionally; that the more upset I became, the less I showed it. I told her how Ross had asked me if I was angry and that I wasn't or at least I didn't feel it. So, later I thought about it this some more. Am I really angry? Sad? - yes. Grief? - yes. Maybe even a little depressed - yes. But, while reading "Emotional Resilience", I learned that feeling depressed comes from the energy drain of unexpressed anger. So, where's the anger? Why don't I feel it?

So, I did some research on anger and found that frustration, irritation are mild forms of anger. And, the best way to process it is at the time it occurs..if you don't express it, feel it, anger turns inward...leads to depression and lowering of self-esteem.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I saw Gordon today. I felt really bad in his office. Seemed like it took forever to get out of the car and into the building. A couple of reflexes were really slow..maybe absent. One of the muscle tests hurt so bad I actually shouted and it wasn't anything elegant either...went over the MRI...herniation and it looked huge to me..we talked about options including surgery and I really don't want to go there...I was scared after I left his office. I think the magnitude of the disability really hit me right in the face when i couldn't complete the exam, couldn't put on my shoes, and almost couldn't get back in the car.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

I woke up at 3:30AM with right hip pain...had trouble getting back to sleep. I nicked my nerve yesterday at Sports Center getting off a piece of equipment and then again right before I went to bed. I leaned over to kiss Ellen good night and felt a jolt of pain run down my leg. When that happens, the pain lingers, it's almost like it's vibrating, for a long time; usually hours.

So, the pain in my hip is a lot worse today. And I have a lot of leg pain. The whole leg. I'm tired...trouble focusing...can't read or work on anything...my mind feels like it's got a ton of sludge in it. Finally realized, sitting is out. Have to make notes lying down.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Feeling a little better this morning but leg pain woke me up again around 3AM. I didn't have to get up though; guess that's a win. I feel better mentally today like I can actually think. Not as tired and feel more optimistic. Might even try to get into a pool.

I still hurt but I noticed that I can bend forward while sitting in a chair and tie my shoes. Problem is I can't put them on; can't cross my legs and can't put on socks without hip and leg pain and it's a nasty pain too. So, I just wear slip on shoes - some might call them shower shoes - and they look like the lead character, The Dude, in the movie "The Big Lebowski". I'm not as cool though. I'm starting to make some more concessions - shower shoes.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Bad night again..awake at 3:30AM with right hip pain. Could not get comfortable. Had to get up. Good news is that the symptoms go away fairly fast but the bad news is, I have nothing to do. Just hanging out at 4AM is not fun. Giving some thought to the inversion table. Lower pressure on the spine, can do it anytime, and would give me something to do at 4Am. Could even meditate in it.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Tough night. Lots of pain. Stiff, sore, tight. Up at 2:30AM...not getting much sleep and that makes thing worse...the whole day feels lost, foggy, dull. Bought the inversion table. Spent 20 minutes in it. Feels good on the back and helps decrease leg symptoms.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Bad night. Awake at 3:30AM with leg pain..had to get up...took a Vicodin and I hate that I have to do it but if i don't I feel like I might gnaw off my leg...I couldn't read in bed last night...leg hurt too much and it just got to me...I felt worn out, I hurt, and I lost most of everything I enjoyed and then some and now, I can't read. I cried....in bed. Can't remember doing that before...Ellen just hugged me and I cried it out. This was one of the worst nights for me. I didn't write much in my journal and even now it's hard to put into words what it felt like. It was a combination of feeling weak, vulnerable, fragile with despair or a sense of hopelessness.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Horrible night. Leg pain was really bad. Got up at 2:30AM and then tried to go back to bed at 5AM. Have felt really awful all day...lower leg is burning, aching...lower back hurts...I have the chills...really tired. This day, combined with the night before, was the low point for me in the month. I was starting to really consider surgery. I wasn't sure I could take too many more nights and days like this.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Finally a better night..slept almost 5 hours. Had a second opinion - surgical - yesterday. He basically agreed with everything Gordon said except he thought if surgery was required, we could do a slightly less invasive procedure and he offered to assist with Gordon. So, I'm feeling better about surgery if I have to go that route especially having two surgeons in the room.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Slept almost 7 hours! Woke up with low level of leg pain...2-3/10...had a lot more leg pain yesterday because I sat too much. I had a two hour meeting and even though I got up some, it just is impractical to get up every 15 minutes when you're trying to make a point during the course of the meeting. I was basically selling a new concept I'm working on and you just can't do that by getting up and down..or at least that's what I'm selling to my self..maybe that's not true..but the thing is, I sat too much. The key to helping my spine heal is controlling the pressure on it throughout the day.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

I've had about four nights in a row now with better sleep...about 6 hours a night. It's not enough though...am really tired during the day...teeter-totter was a great idea...feels good while I'm in it and I feel like I'm doing something that will really help me and maybe it's the sense of control; that I'm doing it not someone or something else? My leg pain is better...around a 5/10 more often...and during the day, I'm able to control it fairly well...the night is the worst followed by sitting. I can control sitting; not the night.

For most of March, sleep eluded me. No matter what I did - medications, postures, supports, meditation - I couldn't get past 4 or 5 hours and those were not uninterrupted hours either. Parents with young children probably know something about this - the sleep deprivation. Near the end of the month though I noticed an improvement and found that just one more hour of sleep made my day much brighter and enjoyable - but I'd be lying if I said things were great; that I was content with my situation and progress. I knew I still had a long way to go.

The questions in my mind were, "Will I make it? Can I get all the way back?" And, these questions were not at the front of my mind everyday. They were resting somewhere else in my head like a married couple on park bench smiling as they enjoyed the scenery. How did I discover this? Writing. Writing first about what I did that day, how I felt about it, and letting my thoughts just flow. Then, questions appear on the page as if I'm using some sort of Quick-Quote Quill from Harry Potter. It just happens.

The questions are still there but the answers are getting clearer.